We can’t all be Roger Ebert, but in today’s world we can all be film critics. All it takes is an opinion and a mobile phone. But if you want to step your game up a level from those “Hated it!” and “Loved it!” tweets, you’ll need to learn the secret lingo of the professional critic, so you can sound just like the 99% of newspaper reviewers who don’t have enough wit or style to be Richard Von Busack. Perhaps this secret decoder ring, ripped from the severed pinky of Mick LaSalle, may be of some use:
What they say / What they mean
Austere / Depressing
Homage / Rip-off
Whimsy / Schmaltz
Feel-good / Throw-up
Date movie / Leave your testicles at the door
Bergmanesque / Boring
Must-see / Your idiot friends won’t shut up about it
Kitchen sink / Boring
Verite / Boring with nauseating camera work
Epic / Too long
Saga / Too long
Admirable / I hated it, but I can’t say so here
Workmanlike / See “Admirable”
Summer fare / Trailer is better than the film
Well-shot / I’m desperate to find something good to say
Well-lit / I’m really desperate to find something good to say
Imprimateur / Director is a dick
Auteur / Director is a dick
Ouvre / Director is a dick
Impressive debut (or comeback) / Publicist is better than actor
Oscar contender / Publicist is better than director
Oscar-worthy / If it wins, I’ll give you these magic beans
Nuanced / Too subtle for you, moron
Art-house / Money-loser
Childlike sense of wonder / Mental retardation
Endearing / See “Whimsey”
Uber-___ / I went to college
Mise en scene / I went to film school
Delight / See “whimsy”
Lowbrow / Funnier than I care to admit
Adult / Depressing
Charming / Cloying
Take the kids / Take a Valium
Um, I think mentally retarded is un- PC and will result in your being jailed and tortured in Berkeley. You might want to change it to “target audience-cretins”.
Shut up, retard.