“Great idea,” I said to my friend John when he proposed that we enter a meat-themed float in the “How Berkeley Can You be?” parade and cover it with meat-grilling, meat-gnawing, cigarette-smoking freaks dressed in leather and fur, spewing clouds of charcoal smoke, under a banner reading PETA: People Eatin’ Them Animals. “Great idea, except we might get killed. Those peace-loving Berzerkeley moms will rip us to pieces.
“We need our own protest marchers,” I suggested. “We’ll field our own counter-demonstration.” And thus was born the VegetAryan movement, a brave cadre of brown-shirted, jack-Birkenstocked, sign-waving, slogan-chanting thugs, violently opposed to all things carnivorous and willing to disrupt the “meat people” by any means necessary.
Thanks to the efforts of DocumentAryan Puzzling Evidence, we can now enjoy the thrills and (grease) spills of this epic confrontation and its sequel (“Meat People II: Straight to Video”), in which we returned to the streets of Berkeley the following year with more meat, more fur, more cigarettes thrown to children, more pig heads on stakes, more spud-guns filled with hot dogs, more chain-saw kung-fu, and of course, a vaster and even more devoted mob of VegetAryan skinheads, led once again by yours truly. I tell you what, my old bullhorn was smoking that day.
Once again, we escaped with our lives, though at one point things got dicey. A few overprotective parents panicked, shielding their childrens’ eyes and ears with their hands and fleeing the scene in oversized baby strollers, tripping over the hems of their batik skirts and slip-sliding around in the slimy debris of chain-sawed pig heads that so liberally larded the locale.